Yesterday morning Jason showed me an article in the March issue of Runner's World entitled "A Thin Line"(Peter Sagal). It's all about a guy who used to be fat when he was a boy; he runs now and isn't fat anymore. But, his past heftiness plays tricks on his mind, and even though he's an amazing runner, he lives in fear while chasing numbers on the scale. He's constantly asking himself "Am I fat"?
This struck something in both Jason and I, as we both used to be fat kids growing up. Not obese fat, but chubby and blubbery. Fat enough that people made fun of us, and at age 9-13 that matters most. I can still remember a young Brad Edgerton shouting "Freeeeeeee Willy", as I skulked my way into 6th grade Language Arts class (Brad, if your listening, I forgive you, although I still secretly hope that you turned out to be slightly fat in your late 20's). I can remember another time that I had to carry something to school for a project and I put it in a Bruegger's Bagels bag (those bags were awesome for carrying stuff) and another 6th grade meanie asks "What happened to all the bagels? You ate them!!" So. Clever.
If you're made fun of at an early enough age, it gives you a strong determination to change your life, usually to be cool, to be liked, to be beautiful. Being made fun of gave me the strength to become what I wanted to be, but it still left tiny scars and, like Sagal, I will always wonder.
I mulled all of these thoughts over on my long run yesterday. I had a particularly fast run yesterday, and I kept asking myself: Am I fa(s)t? I was thinking about the struggle between feeling like you are fat, running, feeling awesome, trying to be normal, eating, feeling fat, feeling apathetic, feeling determined, running, eating, feeling fat again. As Sagal says "The memory of feeling fat never subsides-even after you become fit. It's about the terror of what we might become if we allow ourselves to let go".
The biggest difference between Sagal and I is that even though I know a part of me is running from my past self, for the most part I want to run in to be in the present. To be happy. To feel good. To find inner contentment.
told jason this today, but i loved this post!
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