World, stop taking selfies while driving

OK, I admit, I do it too. But we gotta stop.  One of us is going to get ourselves or somebody else killed. So, world, let's stop taking selfies and driving.  While we're at it, let's stop touching our phones altogether while we're driving.  Brains weren't meant to operate large machinery in lines of other brains operating large machinery whilst dividing their attentions between that and a small electronic device.

Why is Everyone Trying to Sell Me Stuff?

Every time I look on Facebook (which I shouldn't do anyway because Facebook is the devil but I can't seem to stop) another person is advertising another thing that they are selling privately as their new amazing career.  Deals, kickbacks, job flexibility! Somehow everyone is making billions of dollars off this stuff without having to work at all.  Long gone are the days of Mary Kay and Tupperware parties, now you can pretty much get anything you want from these "independent sales representatives" who are your "friends" on Facebook: skincare, vitamins, jewelry, clothing, even sex toys!  I might be crazy, but I don't trust any of it. Not one bit. They all seem like a bunch of pyramid schemes to me.  And the scariest thing is that these aren't just random people trying to sell me this stuff. These are normal people, dare I say "friends", who I thought wouldn't ever be the type to get themselves wrapped up in some kind of pyramid scheme/weird business venture. But, who am I to judge? Maybe they really are making money, maybe the stuff is legit, maybe I need to get in on it myself...

I love this guy

Just watch them all right now.

Preferably while drinking a giant glass of wine.

More time on the plane?

I'll never understand why people rush to line up to get ON the plane. Why would you want to spend more time on the plane? Let me go in last, people. 

The cliche to rule them all

Watching Sex and the City on an elliptical machine. I mean, really Blaine?

I know, I know. I joined a gym so I can run and do stuff on machines during that awful time of the year here when I can't go outside for 2-3 months.

Pollen is coming...

Dear Sinuses, I hate you.

For letting this guy set up shop for over 3 weeks,

For giving me throbbing headaches,

For making it hard to hear,

and finally for tricking me into thinking I was all better a week ago, and then out of nowhere inviting this guy and his plus one back into my face

At least somebody has been productive this week.

Love,
me

Worst Place on Earth? Quite Possibly.

Today, a normal girl on her spring break just tried to buy a delicious sandwich and was nearly rear-ended and backed into at the same time over a parking spot.  Then upon navigating a battlefield of Priuses, bike guys, and over dressed Dookie girls,  she was almost run over on her way into the store.  Later, inside the store, said girl was cut in front of and "accidentally" jabbed with keys while ordering her sandwich.  It was a Whole lotta trouble for some Foods, if you ask me.

It was real, ya'll.  Real real.

Yes! Nooooooooooooo!

There's nothing better than feeling that first warm day and knowing that Spring is just around the corner. You pull out your cute skirts and little shoes and retire the coats and scarves  to the winter clothes bin, and walk out the front door in little more than a baby cardigan.  However, this also means the start of the worst time of year for me.  Pollen time. A time filled with snot, grime, itchy watery eyes, head fog, and an immeasurable amount of anger and resentment towards those enjoying the spring outdoors.  This year I plan to take a little running hiatus and head to the Bikram studio again for a 30-60 day challenge.  I will sweat and enjoy the heat.  I will become a Bikram rat and scoff at all of you in your joyous sunshine running your beautiful trails with pollen in your eyes.

Gross

1. Coughing up phlegm the color of swamp mud and the texture of hard brain
2. School bathrooms
3. The thought of what goes on in the kitchens of fast food restaurants
4. Old gum stuck to your shoe
5. Dudes in fedoras
6. Velour track suits
7. Licorice
8. Two people hanging out together, each on their phone
9. Fake laughing
10. Well, fake anything.

Delightful and Dumb!

This weekend I saw two movies:
and


I'll let you guess which was delightful and which was dumb.

I'll give you a hint: I really love singing and dancing puppets and am highly annoyed by bad acting.

Douche-bags

The term "douche-bag" is not a term that I like to use on a regular basis. It sounds vulgar and conjures disgusting images. But sometimes, a dude comes along who is just so perfectly defined by this term that I just can't help myself.
This happened to me this morning when I was cut off by one of these gentlemen. His behavior, affect, and copious amount of gel in his hair forced me to scream at the top of my lungs "Douche- Bag!!!!"

Now, I feel much better.

I wouldn't worry too much if I were you

This looks awfully familiar doesn't it? Just replace the date and you have the posters advertising the recent idea that the rapture/end of the world/apocalypse/second coming of Christ/etc... is happening tomorrow.

Now, I'm not much of a believer in this mumbo-jumbo-saved-souls-rising-into-the-sky-while-the pits-of-hell-open-beneath-us kind of crap; especially when we have no idea of if, when, or how it will actually happen. I mean, even Jesus himself (supposedly) said "But of that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, nor the Son, but the Father only" (Matthew 24:36).

I do find it interesting that people are constantly trying to set dates for the damn thing. If we're all going to fly into the sky or burn in hell anyway, what's the use of trying to predict the day that it's going to happen...whoever guesses correctly isn't going to win a jar of jelly beans or anything. Should we be living in constant fear that it's going to happen any day? Minding our P's and Q's just in case of rapture? Probably not. Shouldn't we all be on our best behavior (karmically speaking) anyway, despite the fear of a burning eternity?

Furthermore, we are much more likely to suffer an "end of the world" type situation due to global warming, nuclear war, or some insurmountable natural disaster a la The Road, 2012 or The Day After Tomorrow. And there's definitely no way of predicting that and if one could predict it, it would also be pointless.

So, I hereby grant all of you the right to not be worried about tomorrow, 12/21/2012, or any other predicted apocalyptic due date. I, for one, will be drinking a cold one on the beach tomorrow afternoon and if I am swallowed up into the bowels of hell, then so be it.

Mondays

Why does everyone hate Monday so much? I guess I know the answer to that question: back to the grind, back to waking up early, and back to slaving away for the man. I hate this sentiment at work. Every Monday its the same: "Hey, how are you?", "Ugh. I'm alright. It's Muuuuuuuuunndayyyyyyy". I'm sure I'm just as guilty as the next person, but please, can't we be more positive? I feel like I'm living in a Cathy comic sometimes.

What if we lived in a world where Monday didn't mean that? What if Monday was a great day? Monday could be Friday. Or we could just start doing the fun stuff on Mondays, so that then we could associate Mondays with fun. Are you with me?

Food rut

Do you ever get into a rut with the foods that you eat? Same old Luna Bars for breakfast, same old dinners in the dinner rotation and same old leftovers in the same old tupperware for lunch.

I need a new outlook on my foods. I need some new ideas.

Good thing summer is on the way with its fresh veggies and farmers market flare.

12 angry teachers

I am amazed at the amount of internal political drama that can ensue at the talk and thought of a new principal. The school system assures that there is a process. And there is.

A principal selection committee is elected. People come out of the wood works to be on this committee. People who want to have a say, want to feel involved, or just want to have their hands in the pie. What should be a group of intelligent teachers and stakeholders, turns into (as with any election) a group of the people who campaigned the hardest.

Drama ensues.

Once the committee has been elected, these individuals interview the candidates and argue about them for several hours into the night for a few weeks.

Drama ensues.

After the committee slugs it out jury style and finally comes to a watered down decision, they send their recommendation for principal to the superintendent, who then chooses our principal at his or her whim.

And thus, the teachers do not choose the principal. The teachers get tricked. A diversion of power and drama is dangled before them as a distraction, the ruse is played out and

everybody wins?

An intellectual rut

People of the courts,

I've come to the conclusion that I am stuck in an intellectual rut this week. I can't get excited about anything from the day-to-day. Sometimes reading something interesting or watching a well-written television comedy will do it for me, but no. I can't even get excited about my coffee in the morning (something that used to be my impetus for rising). Thinking about things to blog about has resulted in pointless discussion of macaroni and cheese and writing acrostic poems with the word BORED.

I need to go on a pilgrimage. Or a treasure hunt. Or vacation.

Or maybe just shut up and stop complaining? I mean, really. Talk about contentment, self.

Things in the present or near future with the potential for hoisting me from my intellectual rut and allowing me to reclaim my seat on the pursuit-of-contentment train:

1) Song lyrics like "When I think about you, flowers grow out of my grave". The thought of zombie love stories= good.

2) In 2 Weeks, I will travel to NCCAT to seminar on "Is There a Children's Book in You?"; maybe there will be...

3) In the month of April, I will do the 30 day challenge- 30 days straight of Bikram Hot Yoga. The 105 degree heat will cause my boredom to burn up and exit my body via steam and sweat.

4) In the next month or two, I will know where we will be next year. Hopefully.

Getting started early

Next year, for Halloween, I will dress as one if these annoying Bratz doll things.




I'm already trying on outfits in preparation.




By the way, why would anyone want to encourage their child to be a brat? Or to have an extremely large head? Or to wear gigantic shoes?

Toys these days...

Containment-Contentment. Clever purse pun? Auto-Correct Nightmare? Freudian slip? Stupid Error?

Lately, I've had a few errors in my blog. I'll admit, sometimes I don't check my work when I write. Sometimes I type so fast, click submit and never look back. Blaine, why would you do that; it's going to be on the internet? You ask.
Well, honestly I don't know. I guess I want to believe that somehow I can vomit write things and that they will make sense. I'd also like to think that through my ramblings and mistakes, I could find some kind of clarity about myself. After all, as annoying as stream of consciousness writing can be at times, it is also fascinating to read as it is revealing and refreshing.

For example, yesterday in my post (a purse debacle), I referred to the struggle for inner contentment as "the struggle for inner containment". Interesting, as purses are used for containing things. I'd like to say that I did that on purpose. A clever purse pun for my readers. But no, I wrote, I skimmed, and I clicked submit.
Was this a Freudian slip of some kind? Does my use of the word containment reveal something about me? Maybe my iPad's auto-correct is acting as my id?
But really, maybe I'm just lazy, rushing, or going through the motions with no regard for the product. Is it possible to find a happy medium? A place where I am writing freely, yet free of mindless errors.

I'm bad

So we officially had 2 unexpected "snow" days. They were glorious. I never knew that I would appreciate snow days so much just coming off a break. But I did. I do.

Today we go back, usual schedule, and all I can think about is how awesome it would be to have one more day off. I'm bad.

It's just a testament to how easily spoiled one can become.

I think I just need to get back into the routine? Maybe. Or figure out a way to work from home? Yes. A couch commute.

don't mind if I do...

For some reason, this morning I've been thinking about people and how some people have an overwhelming need to be "polite". Now, I am all for politeness, but I think it has to come from the right place. We need to be polite for the right reasons, rather than being motivated by the self aggrandizing that can sometimes result from being "polite".
Be nice for the sake of being nice. NOT because it's what you should do. I hate should. Should automatically makes me want to NOT.

In my mind, I like to have a little private joke with myself by imagining little scenarios in which I take people up on all of their should be polite offers.

For example:

1. You are eating a delicious sandwich. I have already eaten. Out of obligation, you say "Oh! Uh, would you like to have my sandwich?" I say "Yes, why yes I would!" And I eat it. You watch, hungrily, as I eat your sandwich. He he he

2. It is cold outside. I am cold. You are cold. You offer me your coat. I take it. You are now wearing a tank top. I am wearing two coats. He he he

3. I am carrying a moderately heavy object. You offer to carry it for me. I give it to you and run ahead to talk to someone else. You are left behind carrying said heavy object. He he he

4. You have a cute baby. I say "Hey, that's a cute baby!" You give me your baby because it's the "polite" thing to do.

But, really, in all seriousness, let's be nice and polite for the sake of being kind to each other rather than for the sake of the imaginary should monster who says we have to be.